Who e Who the fuck am I? This July, I walked out onto the hot sidewalk with my friend’s ashes in a cardboard tube, all I could afford.  The tube was in a white plastic grocery bag. Powdered Peter is what I arrived at. I picked him up across from the Swiss Criminal court house where I had already been and am going back  All of this made me insatiably hungry.  The restaurant wasn’t open yet so I walked into the store next door, ….it reminded me of home so far away.  The owner was there,      strangely an older version of me. When she heard my English she asked where I was from. I’m from the US I said, moved here with my now Ex.  I’m sorry to hear she said but now you have a chance to meet someone completely new.  But he took my children I said. She replied, then you have a chance to mother in a different way.  But I don’t have a job or a real place to live I said. She smiled kindly and said         ...

There was a picture in my head, a fantasy I thought of this big strong man Sweet but tough, someone who would understand Who would open his arms and take me in Biggest hug ever, not like other men I said to God, please sometimes enough is enough I need a respite from all that has been so rough You have sent me feathers and friends and angels and more Could I ask one more thing...someone I adore? Someone who gets me and who is ready for this A man who is kind and good who can share my deep down bliss And then he was there. Picked almost as a mistake, a swipe to the right We talked of life and pain and I saw his great might I listened and everyone said I should be all okay alone But I knew deep down I knew I wanted to have my mind completely blown He stands so tall, big feet as a base He holds out his arms and then touches my face A little prayer from me, thank you God He likes my silly jokes and does not mind that I am flawed My heart shaped...

What I didn’t tell you is the friend I saw today is dying His family has abandoned him and I am his only friend He denies his pain to look strong until it hurts so much he lashes out at me He wants to die, he wants to live, he does not know which world to put his feet in I feel his pain, I think of myself, what if I was all alone and dying, wouldn’t I want a me? My other friends all four years new, tell me it is too much, step away, I need to be there for my kids What I didn’t tell you is that while I watch my friend, his legs sticking out from the gown, whittled like wood more and more each day, I am tortured by the man I loved I am watching nature destroy my friend while I am trying my best not to be destroyed by an unnatural human force, the father of my children What I didn’t tell you is that my children are no longer with me daily, their plans are made without me, I am not even considered as an afterthought, just sometimes a taxi ride I was successful a...

Bats and caves and really small spaces Hands to hold and smiles on faces Round and round in the grass we go Form a circle, no one says no Figure eights with our bodies, message for the soul For the child deep inside to play a role The frustration and fear are trumped by passion and awe Just listen to you heart and answer the call Ashes to ashes we all fall down Pick yourself up and spin round and round

Rocks For love I swallowed little rocks He fed me--here baby- just a little one and then another To get me used to rock flavor and texture They hurt going down--burned my throat, sat on my stomach---- life kept going I was full of rocks like a small boy with a collection in a bag They scraped, they moved, they were heavy  and I could feel every sharp edge An assumption that everyone carried rocks inside of them and so should I In survival mode I got used to them The old me, beaten and bruised from the inside Now a new me ------or really the original me, exposed Raw skin and stomach and the rocks hurt so much I want them out- they sit at the bottom on my stomach and stack up to my throat I need the space to fill my body with amazing things I am finished with these rocks and their pain I want them out-----  the heaviness serves me no longer The lesson is learned- I need the internal space and a respite from the collection Beg f...

He loved me so much that he wanted me dead The fear in my heart was too much to bear Tight fingernail grip on the pain of the rocks Knowing there was a choice of just when to drop Looked way down inside and took a deep breath Closed my eyes and let go, shit what a trip Dodging lightning, thunder and tremendous winds Being struck with electric that came out of my hands Then bumping on clouds in their white enough And resting a moment on their pink bellies and fluff Seen from above, a whole different eye Like God from the heavens with an eternal sigh  As the glorious beauty distracted the brain Looking OUT for a saviour ,actually within The rain washed down like a treasured mix tape Over and over until there was peace

So there was a time. It was this kind of mixed up magical day So a beautiful place, been there before, but today.---wow So of it I subscribed to, some of it was so contrived And everyone wanted to follow the rules, and I, I did not Sometimes I wonder how do they not questions Why do they all want to be the same and yet judge each other If there was no judgement, they wouldn’t have to follow the rules They don’t know,,,,,,how could they not?