What I didn't tell you

What I didn’t tell you is the friend I saw today is dying

His family has abandoned him and I am his only friend

He denies his pain to look strong until it hurts so much he lashes out at me

He wants to die, he wants to live, he does not know which world to put his feet in

I feel his pain, I think of myself, what if I was all alone and dying, wouldn’t I want a me?

My other friends all four years new, tell me it is too much, step away, I need to be there for my kids

What I didn’t tell you is that while I watch my friend, his legs sticking out from the gown, whittled like wood more and more each day, I am tortured by the man I loved

I am watching nature destroy my friend while I am trying my best not to be destroyed by an unnatural human force, the father of my children

What I didn’t tell you is that my children are no longer with me daily, their plans are made without me, I am not even considered as an afterthought, just sometimes a taxi ride

I was successful and thought, ok, I am good now ,all I want to be is a mom

and I was three beautiful times. 

These little seeds planted in my body, I watched them grow and knew each one before they emerged from their first cocoon

What I didn’t tell you is while the success still mattered, I knew it never would as much as these beautiful creatures that God had allowed me to protect for a while

I gave up the success, my only home I had known, my family, my lovely friends to give these little saplings a new place to dig in their roots and see the world from a different perspective

What I didn’t tell you, is me, ever so loyal followed their father but was

leading them, lovingly, warmly into a whole world of new customs, cultures and languages

And then it all exploded. I was replaced secretly and then violently and they saw it all

I unknowingly led them into a battlefield and was then buried in a trench with just my head out to see what was happening

What I didn’t tell you is that I see people’s souls sometimes but I was blinded by love

I am glad for the view from the outside but now watching and digging the hard rocks with just my fingernails

My shoulders are out, my arms almost moving now it is raining, hailing so hard that I cannot stop weeping

I have learned so much. I was merely a caterpillar in my old life, my new life here in my own cocoon. This is the process of getting out and becoming more beautiful

What I didn’t tell you is that my heart is now in the middle of two wings and so full I can see the beauty not just emerging, but always there. I am lovely, I will be even more beautiful

All of us are born, protected first by a cocoon and then sometimes again 

The ones that need protection are the ones that are cradled again but they must decide they no longer want to hide what has changed inside

What I didn’t tell you is that I have met some of the loveliest souls in an electronic world

Some are brave, they are reaching out,  saying this is who I am and this is what I want

So vulnerable, so raw but also a very precarious place for a new fragile second life

I have used the remnants of my cocoon to share with others Now it is almost gone ...little wisps of what was there

What I didn’t tell you is that I am a beautiful magical creature with a heart in the middle

I knew how to crawl with all of my legs, now I must fly with my fragile wings

Jenny

1 July 2019