Who e Who the fuck am I? This July, I walked out onto the hot sidewalk with my friend’s ashes in a cardboard tube, all I could afford.  The tube was in a white plastic grocery bag. Powdered Peter is what I arrived at. I picked him up across from the Swiss Criminal court house where I had already been and am going back  All of this made me insatiably hungry.  The restaurant wasn’t open yet so I walked into the store next door, ….it reminded me of home so far away.  The owner was there,      strangely an older version of me. When she heard my English she asked where I was from. I’m from the US I said, moved here with my now Ex.  I’m sorry to hear she said but now you have a chance to meet someone completely new.  But he took my children I said. She replied, then you have a chance to mother in a different way.  But I don’t have a job or a real place to live I said. She smiled kindly and said         ...

There was a picture in my head, a fantasy I thought of this big strong man Sweet but tough, someone who would understand Who would open his arms and take me in Biggest hug ever, not like other men I said to God, please sometimes enough is enough I need a respite from all that has been so rough You have sent me feathers and friends and angels and more Could I ask one more thing...someone I adore? Someone who gets me and who is ready for this A man who is kind and good who can share my deep down bliss And then he was there. Picked almost as a mistake, a swipe to the right We talked of life and pain and I saw his great might I listened and everyone said I should be all okay alone But I knew deep down I knew I wanted to have my mind completely blown He stands so tall, big feet as a base He holds out his arms and then touches my face A little prayer from me, thank you God He likes my silly jokes and does not mind that I am flawed My heart shaped...

What I didn’t tell you is the friend I saw today is dying His family has abandoned him and I am his only friend He denies his pain to look strong until it hurts so much he lashes out at me He wants to die, he wants to live, he does not know which world to put his feet in I feel his pain, I think of myself, what if I was all alone and dying, wouldn’t I want a me? My other friends all four years new, tell me it is too much, step away, I need to be there for my kids What I didn’t tell you is that while I watch my friend, his legs sticking out from the gown, whittled like wood more and more each day, I am tortured by the man I loved I am watching nature destroy my friend while I am trying my best not to be destroyed by an unnatural human force, the father of my children What I didn’t tell you is that my children are no longer with me daily, their plans are made without me, I am not even considered as an afterthought, just sometimes a taxi ride I was successful a...

Bats and caves and really small spaces Hands to hold and smiles on faces Round and round in the grass we go Form a circle, no one says no Figure eights with our bodies, message for the soul For the child deep inside to play a role The frustration and fear are trumped by passion and awe Just listen to you heart and answer the call Ashes to ashes we all fall down Pick yourself up and spin round and round

Rocks For love I swallowed little rocks He fed me--here baby- just a little one and then another To get me used to rock flavor and texture They hurt going down--burned my throat, sat on my stomach---- life kept going I was full of rocks like a small boy with a collection in a bag They scraped, they moved, they were heavy  and I could feel every sharp edge An assumption that everyone carried rocks inside of them and so should I In survival mode I got used to them The old me, beaten and bruised from the inside Now a new me ------or really the original me, exposed Raw skin and stomach and the rocks hurt so much I want them out- they sit at the bottom on my stomach and stack up to my throat I need the space to fill my body with amazing things I am finished with these rocks and their pain I want them out-----  the heaviness serves me no longer The lesson is learned- I need the internal space and a respite from the collection Beg f...

He loved me so much that he wanted me dead The fear in my heart was too much to bear Tight fingernail grip on the pain of the rocks Knowing there was a choice of just when to drop Looked way down inside and took a deep breath Closed my eyes and let go, shit what a trip Dodging lightning, thunder and tremendous winds Being struck with electric that came out of my hands Then bumping on clouds in their white enough And resting a moment on their pink bellies and fluff Seen from above, a whole different eye Like God from the heavens with an eternal sigh  As the glorious beauty distracted the brain Looking OUT for a saviour ,actually within The rain washed down like a treasured mix tape Over and over until there was peace

So there was a time. It was this kind of mixed up magical day So a beautiful place, been there before, but today.---wow So of it I subscribed to, some of it was so contrived And everyone wanted to follow the rules, and I, I did not Sometimes I wonder how do they not questions Why do they all want to be the same and yet judge each other If there was no judgement, they wouldn’t have to follow the rules They don’t know,,,,,,how could they not?

Soul Rainbow What is this love that I have found? Searched for, longed for, knew it was around A one to stroke my face and to hold my hand Who walks side by side in the sun kissed sand The love was not in this person I so sought Passion for me came from not the place I thought It comes from within I now acknowledge you see The true soul inside must be loved just by me New wrinkles and grey, creativity learned These are the traits I wished to be yearned Myself is the first lover that has to exist --- then towards the soulmate I continue to persist A threesome of us, me, my treasured soul, and a lover My faced touched by him and angels who hover I thought with the perfect one, everything would be fine I know now it is me who is a creature devine Lessons  honed day by day with each sigh A growing, a magic until the day I will die First in my mind are my children, big and tall These epiphanies to add to their ever growing all Each o...

What is this love that I have found? Searched for, longed for, knew it was around A one to stroke my face and to hold my hand Who walks side by side in the sun kissed sand The love was not in this person I so sought Passion for me came from not the place I thought It comes from within I now acknowledge you see The true soul inside must be loved just by me New wrinkles and grey, creativity learned These are the traits I wished to be yearned Myself is the first lover that has to exist --- then towards the soulmate I continue to persist A threesome of us, me, my treasured soul, and a lover My faced touched by him and angels who hover I thought with the perfect one, everything would be fine I know now it is me who is a creature devine Lessons  honed day by day with each sigh A growing, a magic until the day I will die First in my mind are my children, big and tall These epiphanies to add to their ever growing all Each one I have wal...

Sparkles Shiny beautiful sparkles scattered among the pieces Some of them the sharpest shards, others beckoning…dark and interesting, pick me up Sorrow, sadness still the same, pink cheeks and then the shame Over and over this is how it goes sometimes staining the hand and occasionally a rose On toes treading softly to minimize pain but wanting to run run and run like there is never an end The world swirls and it bends, sometimes comes to a stop and spins round again Over and over the pieces they shift disturbing their display, changing their zen The angst at the process, the shear agony, the journey so hard, easy to concede Then a space opened up of stillness and rest, the toes to relent to the soul and the heel A moment of quiet and deep breaths in, eyes towards the ground, towards the squalor and mess A moment a sparkle, a sun reflection from the depths  a turning a gaze to see the source of the ones that reflected and the ones that did not The transi...

in our head here is a list of the attributes of one so perfect and our heart it yearns for another to feed and nurture in it and our day to day, how does the one we seek make it brighter but what we must listen to between the check marks and the life giving beats and the side by side is our soul it knows and it speaks to us, it holds the list and cradles the heart and generates the electricity between held hands. it whispers, this is what I want, this is what I must have. all of these desires swirled and stirred but without the soul sprinkle, just a recipe.followed. taste and nourishment but not the special spice that makes us want to return again and again

Just be cool bitch, you are a badass and you can do this The universe has shifted and you have learned so much from the shit You have known what you wanted ever since your first day here You just decide, set a goal and feel no fear Then your “dream” exploded and you didn’t know up from down You were trapped in a corner, water rising, felt you would drown Badass, you floated above, life hanging by a thread The water receded and your were so surprised that you weren’t dead Our second life starts when we realize we only have one There is one thing you don’t have, now shown as bright as the sun You have always wanted to manage and control things and be in charge Patience is a virtue that missed you by and large Have faith in the process and be still inside Try to trust the universe and go along for the ride Now is the time to close your eyes and just fall is it possible to be true to yourself and still have it all? Jenny Nix